Saturday, September 7, 2013

It's The New Me and I'm Ok With That

 After months of tests and questions and even a surgery to treat my symptoms and to gather a biopsy, I was awaiting the final word from my doctor. On May 13, I posted a status on Facebook, "The official word is cancer! So very thankful right now... "

The very next day I got a call from the nurse at the doctors office.
"Mrs. Greene, I am so sorry.
I misread your biopsy reports.
Dr. R says you need to come to your follow up appointment.
 You have complex aggressive hyperplasia and you need to discuss treatment options.

I was quiet. What was she saying?

 "Do you understand, Mrs. Greene?
It is imperative that you make this appointment."

We did make the appointment and met with the doctor two weeks later. It was during this visit that we learned that I really do not qualify for treatments. The hyperplasia was too far advanced and cancer is too prevalent on both sides of my family. We scheduled surgery - a hysterectomy - for August 7. I rushed out of the doctors building and stood outside and cried. I cried all the way home and I cried most of the remainder of the evening.

 During the summer months I was just sad. I cried myself to sleep most nights. I cried at random times throughout the day. I cried when I asked God to help us find another way. I was not afraid of pain. Good grief, I had birthed four babies with little or no pain meds. Pain meds and I don't get along well. It wasn't fear of pain. I was sad just sad. Sad that I would not be "a whole woman". Sad that I would be losing the part of me that carried and nurtured our babies. I love being a mother. Sad that my hyperplasia was too advanced for treatments. Just sad.

 On the morning of August 7, as I signed the line to consent to surgery, I cried a little more. As the transport steered me back to the holding area, my resolve was set - no more tears. When I woke from surgery, I was surprised to find total peace AND happiness - and in case you're wondering, it wasn't the drugs. It was comfort from The God who cares for me. My mind was full of verses and songs and praise. I can not explain it, except to say that the peace and happiness are still here. Sad was replaced with glad. Fear was replaced with hope.

 I still have days when I hurt badly because I've done a little too much, and days when seeing my scars threatens to send me back to those dark places of doubts and fears, but this peace and joy won't allow that journey.

 I'm looking forward to the future.
This is the new me, and I'm ok with that! 


Becky K. said...

What a beautiful post recognizing the pain of illness but the triumph of peace that only HE can give. Praying for you as you heal.
Becky - CAST Team

Lorrie Esposito said...

Sonja, saw your link on the CAST thread. What an emotional roller coaster but so glad you are on the mend and have the Great Physician on your side. Blessings to you in your continued recovery. Take it slow!

bananaorangeapple said...

I would be sad too.

Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning ps30:5

Lona said...

So sorry to hear about your surgery, but SO glad you now have peace and happiness. Hugs to you... (gentle ones)

Shelley said...

Very sorry to hear about your surgery, but thankful for the peace and hope you feel! Praying for you :)

Suzanne O'Mullan said...

Hoping you take things one day at a time - you have a right to feel everything you are feeling! Cry when you need to and when you need to cry more - that is ok too! Make sure you have help so you can lay when surgery is finished - when they say 6 weeks - they mean it! Don't try to do things you aren't supposed to! I had a bilateral mastectomy and a radical hysterectomy one month later - it was 3 years ago and my head is still spinning! Take care of you!

luvncrafts said...

My prayers are with you.
(luvncrafts on Etsy)

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